A stressor that makes a permeant
impact on children and families is death. In 2011 my cousin’s husband died in a
motorcycle accident he left behind my cousin and their two boys one was 5 the
other 1. I remember seeing their older son at the funeral he was a stone he
talked about his dad, but not about the current situation just about him as if
he were alive. It was heart wrenching to see him try to process what was
happening. He would approach the casket and talk to him as if he was a manikin
not the remains of his dad. It was not until we were at the burial site that he
final recognized the fact that his dad was gone. I will never forget this
remark he looked to his mom and said “mom why did they close dad’s box he can’t
breathe if they close it.” My cousin was very eloquent with her response she
said “it’s okay because he is in heaven now his new lungs breath the same air
as God so even though the box is closed he is alive even if we cannot see or
touch him.” How she was able to respond to him and his need is beyond me. I
remember at that point walking away to try to gather my emotions.
As time crept on he had many
issues anger was the worst he was angry that he did not have a dad like the
other children. My uncle, his grandpa, stepped in as both dad and grandpa being
present at events that were for dad’s. He would always ask questions about when
he would come back and why his helmet was not enough to keep him safe. These
are all hard questions for adults and my heart would break each time he would
ask these questions. As a family we banded together to offer support to my
cousin and her boys. They also turned to the pastor at their church was able to
support and offer some insight to the boys about the afterlife easing the ideas
of what may have awaited when the box closed. Development of new relationships
also helped heal the wounds. Three years ago my cousin met a man and he
embraced the accident and taken the boys in as his own they were married a
couple months ago. The older son talks openly to him and they discuss the accident
since he is now almost 11 he understands the situation more and more. It is
still difficult to explain at times about death and the permeants of it, but
when handled in safe and supportive environment children can rise above and get
through the difficult time.
A country I constantly hear about
with casualties is Afghanistan. Since the war has begun over there the amount
of civilians harmed is heart wrenching. According to UN
Assistance Mission in Afghanistan (UNAMA)
“The total civilian casualty figure recorded by the UN since 1
January 2009 through 30 June 2016 has risen to 63,934, including 22,941 deaths
and 40,993 injured” (UN, 2016). This is an astonishing number of men, women and
children who were innocent by standers. As a military spouse I follow the war
in the middle east as my husband is on standby yet again to leave to fight for
our freedom as well as the freedom of our allies. Little is said about the
support of the communities as they go through the turmoil that is this war on
their doorstep. My hope for them is they have the family ties and as always
turn to a higher power at difficult times to get through them. As stated in the
text from cognitive coping “factors in the child (especially problem-solving),
in the family (consistency and care), and in the community (good schools and
welcoming religious intuitions) all help children recover” (Berger K.S., 2016).
Berger, K. S. (2016). The developing person through
childhood (7th ed.). New York, NY: Worth Publishers.
UN News Centre. 25 July
2016. Afghan civilian
casualties hit half-year record, with 5,166 dead or maimed – UN. Retrieved from
http://www.un.org/apps/news/story.asp?NewsID=54543#.WC2203eZNE4.
